This Is My Story: Tammy + Austin
It was 1995 and life was great. My husband Henry and I had been married for 12 years. We had moved and lived in different cities from Texas to the East Coast with Henry’s job promotions. We were also incredibly involved in local churches wherever we lived. Our daughter Brittany was 2 years old, and we loved life in Jacksonville, Florida.
Then in the fall of 1995, we found out we were expecting a son! My family was excited as he would be the first great grandson.
I had a wonderful pregnancy. Then our son Austin Samuel was born on May 15, 1996 after a very easy delivery. We were thrilled! However, things changed drastically just minutes after he was born. The doctors started whispering and then they told us he was having difficulty breathing. They briefly showed him to me, and then they whisked him away without me having the opportunity to hold him.
So, Henry and I waited, wondering what was happening. A few hours later the doctors came back to the room and told us that Austin was a Down syndrome baby and would be needing several surgeries on his heart, but he would be fine.
Later that day, we were finally allowed to go see him in the NICU. I remember the nurse saying he was a Down Syndrome baby, but it wouldn’t be confirmed until the bloodwork came back. I wish I could say I just accepted it, but I argued with the nurse. I asked, “How can you be so sure?” She began to point out all his Down Syndrome features. I wanted to scream “Stop!” I just couldn’t imagine the life he was going to face. It wasn’t the life I had planned for him.
Over the next day, he steadily got worse. At about 36 hours, the doctors called and said to come downstairs quickly. They told us Austin wasn’t going to make it. Henry and I were reeling. The doctors had previously told us Austin would be fine. How could this be happening?
When we arrived in the NICU, they explained that his lungs couldn’t function properly. His lungs were stiff and brittle. Then they uttered the most horrible sentence: “You need to consider removing him from life support.”
Previously that afternoon, when the doctors and nurses continued to deliver bad news, it was breaking my heart that Austin was suffering so badly. At one point, I prayed one of the hardest things that I had ever prayed. I told the Lord that if He thought it was best, then to please take Austin home. Interestingly, I found out later that Henry had prayed the same prayer.
But now reality was in front of me. They advised that we make the choice to stop keeping him alive. No! Again, this wasn’t what I had planned. I was having a healthy baby boy, and I wanted to take him home.
Tearfully we agreed that it was best. We didn’t want him to suffer or be in pain. They unhooked all the lines and tubes and placed him in my arms. This was the first and last time I would hold him. After a short while, he passed away in my arms. I had never felt such overwhelming pain and grief in my life.
We went back to my hospital room and packed up our things and left the hospital without our baby. I never knew a pain so deep. I knew that the Lord was in control, and He never makes mistakes, but at that moment, it was hard to find comfort in that truth.
Over the next week, so many people surrounded us, loved us and took care of us. Our church family showed such an outpouring of love to us. Brittany was even more special to me.
We went to the funeral home to discuss his arrangements. I was picking out a casket for him. This wasn’t supposed to be happening. He was supposed to be in the beautifully decorated nursery we had for him. But we began to see God’s overwhelming love and care for us.
As we discussed the plans with the funeral director, he explained that all costs except for Austin’s headstone had been covered by someone. We were stunned. Later, we contacted the hospital about Austin’s bill. The hospital said we had a zero balance. We owed nothing. God’s gifts were so abundant.
A few days later, we had his funeral. This was the first time my family had seen Austin, but he was lying in a casket! I was so proud as his mom for my family to see him for the first time, but it was also one of the most overwhelmingly grievous times of my life. I had such mixed emotions! I wanted them to see him, but I knew it would be heartbreaking.
So many people came to his funeral. We were overwhelmed with people’s love. I remember sitting on the front row of the church, staring at the tiny little casket, and just sobbing. I remember my Daddy reaching his strong hand from behind me and placing it on my shoulder letting me know he loved me and it would be okay.
We asked the pastor to share the gospel at the funeral. We wanted everyone to know that Austin was in heaven, and we wanted everyone to know that they needed to accept Christ as their Savior so they could join Austin in heaven one day.
Someone sang “O Rejoice in the Lord,” a song written by Ron Hamilton. There are some powerful words in that song:
God never moves without purpose or plan
When trying His servant and molding a man
Give thanks to the Lord though your testing seems long
In darkness He giveth a song.O Rejoice in the Lord
He makes no mistake
We Sang “Because He Lives”, a song written by Bill Gaither which has equally powerful words.
Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives all fear is gone.
Because I know He holds the future.
How sweet to hold our newborn baby,
And feel the pride and joy he gives.
But greater still the calm assurance
This child can face uncertain days Because Christ lives.
My precious Mom also comforted me so many times during those days. She encouraged me by sharing scripture and truths from God’s Word. She and my sisters were always there for me, just a phone call away. My sister Penny has a degree in counseling. I’m quite certain I owe her thousands of dollars for all of the “counseling” she gave me. She always listened and always encouraged. My mom and Penny wanted Henry and I to have some alone time after the funeral. They sent us away for a night, and they kept Brittany and cleaned my house. Then Penny stayed with me for a few days after the funeral.
Looking back I feel so bad for Penny and her husband. They had just found out they were expecting their first child. She couldn’t wait to tell me, but then Austin died. They had to sit through the funeral knowing they were expecting their first child. Penny stayed with me a few days after the funeral, and recently reminded me of how hard it was to share with me that she was expecting. She should have been able to joyfully tell me they were expecting, but instead she kindly had to share the news knowing it would be hard on me to hear it.
Later however, when Penny’s son was born, I knew he was a gift from the Lord. Holding him and helping to care for him helped to heal my heart. To this day, he holds a very special place in my heart.
My sister Cindy and her husband passed through Jacksonville the week before Austin was born. They were headed for a cruise. We agreed that when they returned from their cruise, they would be able to stop in Jacksonville and see our baby. Austin was born and died while they were on the cruise. We didn’t want to ruin their cruise with such sad news, so we arranged that they were handed a message when they were debarking that said that Austin had been born, but he was now with Jesus.
The OB doctors talked to us. They said they had never seen a couple go through the loss of a baby and show such peace as we had. They explained most people were hysterical and inconsolable in this situation. We explained that we had Christ in our hearts, we knew we would see Austin again, and it was the peace of God and His comfort that would get us through the heartache.
Also, it was interesting that they reminded us that we had turned down genetic testing during my pregnancy. They wanted to remind us that we could have known ahead of time that Austin was a Down Syndrome baby. I looked at them with a sternness and said “It wouldn’t have changed a thing…. we would have continued the pregnancy”. I was angry that they even insinuated that we could have ended the pregnancy.
Austin was the baby the Lord wanted us to have. He was made perfectly because the Lord had made him. Earlier, I mentioned that this wasn’t what I had planned for Austin, but God’s plans were better than any of mine, even though I didn’t understand.
Henry grieved so hard. Austin was the son for whom he had made many plans. He wrote the letter below which was read at his funeral:
Your daddy doesn’t have the strength to read this to you today, but I want you to know a little of what’s on your daddy’s heart.
Yesterday you pushed your way from your mother’s womb and emerged to bring a wave of joy and ray of light into our lives. I watched your face as you proclaimed your sonhood with your first cries. You wrapped your little hand around my finger, and I felt your warm chest gently rise and fall as you took your first tastes of air.
Your mother is a strong woman who thought only of you as she cared for her body until she could cuddle you to her bosom and kiss you to sleep. She loves you immensely, as only a mother can love her newborn child. What joy to see you and have you with us. We’re a family of four now. Your sister has anxiously awaited your arrival, and your grandparents love you dearly. Lord, thank you for our little son.
Today, we held your little hands and feet as the doctor explained; it seems the Lord wants you to live with Him sooner than your mommy and I would choose. But His thoughts are higher than our thoughts, and His ways higher than our ways. So, we held you close as you gave your last breaths. We cuddled you to our hearts as your little heart fought its last fight. No more pain for you now. Your daddy loves you, son.
Now your mommy and I cry our tears and ask all the why’s. We left the hospital with all but you. We see your nursery empty, and the little clothes you’ll never wear. I’m just a feeble, sinful man who would give his life to save his child. But our Father knows best. He saw the end before He formed you in His image nine months ago. And yet, there’s Something Wonderful that gives me hope.
My hands won’t be there to mend your scrapes and save you from life’s daily little pains, but the hands of the One Who hung the stars, filled the oceans, and carved the mountains are holding you now. You won’t hold my finger as we stroll the beach to find treasures in the sand, but one day you’ll hold my hand as we walk beside the River that flows crystal clear from His throne. We won’t raise our voices together to cheer the circus or a ball game, but one day we’ll bow at His feet and shout His praises for giving us Eternity to share together. One day you’ll point your little finger to me as I walk through the gates of that City and you will say, “That’s my daddy, the one who loves me.”
Just a little while yet……just a few more days until I hold you again.
Daddy loves you, son. I’ll see you soon.
The next few years were hard. People who hadn’t seen me in a while would see me and assume the baby had been born. I always felt bad for them. They didn’t know. I would tell them he was born and had passed away. Then it was awkward. Even now, if someone asks me how many children I have, I will often say I have a daughter named Brittany and a son named Austin who is in heaven waiting on me.
However, I can say that we experienced a mighty comfort from the Lord. He chose this for our family. I don’t know why, but I know we have been able to share Jesus and His love and comfort with so many people because of Austin’s short life.
My encouragement to others is to stay close to the Lord. You don’t plan or get to pick when trials are going to hit. You must be prepared ahead of time. There were times I couldn’t even pray, but the Lord brought verses and songs to my mind. I still knew God was in control and I had hope.
I know this blog is about losing a child, but I can’t close without briefly mentioning my next great trial. I would often sit in church and listen to pastors talk about great trials. I often thought that I had faced my greatest trial, so I could check that off.
I was wrong. In December 2013, my husband Henry had a heart attack and passed away suddenly at the age of 51. I was only 49. The pain of losing Austin was horrendous but paled to the pain of losing my husband of almost 30 years.
This was so much harder. I didn’t have Henry to cling to as I had with Austin. I had to solely cling to the Lord.
The night of his passing, my daughter Brittany, kept saying, “Mom, this is God’s best for your life.” How could losing my husband be the best thing for my life? I can now say with confidence, it’s the best, because God knows what is best for me.
It’s been 10 years since he passed, and although it’s been the hardest path I’ve ever walked, the Lord has shown Himself in ways that I would have never experienced had Henry not passed away. Now that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t give anything to have Henry back, but I have experienced God’s power, love and comfort in a miraculous way. He has taken care of my every need, He’s always with me and cares for me.
My family was there again for us. Sometimes I literally feel guilty that I’ve had so much heartache in my life and my family has had to “be there” for us twice. But, I guess that’s what loving families do. They are there for each other no matter what.
Our church family also wrapped their arms around Brittany and me. Without a doubt, we made it through with their love and the Lord. They kept us busy and checked in often on us.
So again, remember you can’t choose when your trials come and you can’t choose your trials, but you can choose to have a close relationship with the Lord. Without Him, I would have never made it through these dark days. Also, remember, when you think your life is falling apart, it’s actually falling into place…..the exact way the Lord has planned.
Heaven is sweeter and more real to me now. My boys are both waiting there for me, and I can’t wait to see them one day!
