This Is My Story: Susan + Ryan

On September 6, 1983, I became a mother for the first time. My husband and I were thrilled! We’d had trouble conceiving and tried fertility drugs and everything else with no success. One day we just decided to quit the drugs and give up the idea of children - God had a different plan. I have never been happier in my life.

Ryan was a funloving child. He was always on the go, had a wonderful smile and laugh and always a sparkle in his eyes. He was so loved and just precious. I was overprotective as I could not imagine anything happening to him. When he was 4 1/2, his sister was born. Four years later, his brother was born.  He was a good big brother to both of them, and they loved him.

 School was hard for Ryan.  He had a hard time focusing and being still.  We tried different incentives at home; but when he started first grade, we knew we would have to have a doctors opinion. After years of holding off, he was diagnosed ADHD and put on Ritalin. We did not want or like putting him on meds, but it made such a difference in his ability to learn and made school easier for him. On weekends we wouldn’t give it to him. Because his school life improved, he remained on Ritalin until middle school and then switched to Adderall.  Adderall made his stomach hurt, so we tried another drug and more at-home incentives. We were all going to counseling. Why was our good-natured, fun-loving boy having to experience all of this?

By high school, he had decided not was not to take Adderall anymore. Middle school had been hard. I would meet him in the nurse’s office to try and give him his tablet by bringing him lunch, but he refused to take the meds. We were going to counselors, doctors, psychiatrists.... everything. He was smoking pot, hanging out with people we wouldn’t let come over to our house, on and on. He dropped out of high school in the 11th grade, so we took him back and talked to the principal. There was no going back, so we went to Vocational Rehabilitation to help him learn a trade and get counseling there. That lasted for a while. both my husband and I were working, so we shared the transportation. We also took him to Greenville Technical College and registered he and his friend for classes to earn his GED but found out later they were leaving the campus.

His drug addiction started during all of this. He would walk to where the friends were with drugs because he knew we wouldn’t drive him. Thankfully, I had the police on my side. They knew our struggles and so did the court system. They were all trying to help; but when Ryan went to jail for the first time, I thought it was going to die. How could this be?! He went to rehab through Vocational Rehabilitation for 28 days. He liked it and did well. About four weeks after returning home and looking for a job, he wanted to go visit friends. We took him fishing instead. He loved fishing as a child! We went fishing and camping a lot when he was young. We enjoyed this time together. But when we couldn’t take him fishing, he would walk to see his friends – the same ones he’d done drugs with before rehab. He would take pills and be messed up again. I would go and get him.

I was terrified of losing him, so we put him in another rehab in Georgia through probation, but he left. We put him in another rehab about 30 minutes from home, but he left there as well. A friend who had also been in a rehab took him to the center he’d gone to. We were encouraged because once he’d completed the steps, he would be able to fish like he used to. But he left there as well.

 This went on and on.... wherever we took him, he left. We even involuntarily committed him. We were called to emergency room when he OD'd many times. Each time was so hard to watch. Still, I loved him more than words.

By this point, he had been struggling for almost twenty years. He lived in a homeless state for a while. We never completely cut him off. We got motel rooms for he and his friend many times, and I would still go and get him, often putting my own life at risk.

I have never leaned on God so much in my life. God was all I had. My husband and I lifted our hands up to God often, leaning on Him for strength and asking for healing. Watching your child struggle in this way is so hard. You see them drowning, but you can’t stop it. Still, you try...over and over and over.

On November 21, 2022, the coroner knocked on our door. I had no idea my life would change that day. I had been dreading this moment for 20 years, never believing I would actually lose him.... but I did.  Ryan died from an overdose of fentanyl, meth, and cocaine. He was in someone’s house across the street from where he and his friend were staying in an extended stay hotel.

Ryan had just gotten out of jail two days earlier. While he was incarcerated, I sent people from rehab to talk to him as well as someone from the homeless coalition. He’d told me to stop sending these people, but he knew without a doubt that we loved him. This was something we always told him. He told us as well. The Beast just got hold of him, and he couldn’t get it off.

The Beast made us as parents feel awful - like we were the worst failures in the world. God’s grace is what has gotten me through. That’s all - only God. He is my strength.

My husband and I talk about Ryan with his brother and sister. Thankfully, neither of them is resentful. I am currently involved with a group of women at church who have lost children. We have a ministry to help other mothers as well. I am still asking God if this is my purpose. We will see. Whatever my purpose is, I want to glorify God. I miss my son every single day and I know I will as long as I live.